Reunion dinner.....

Today...31/3/2010 (wed).
Today i and my housemate have our reunion dinner. We make steamboat ourselves at our college. But, i am the person who buy the food, preparing the food and soup and doing all the stuff. is damn tired...

Today, i have no class. So, wake up early morning and went to market to buy the foods for the steamboat by myself. Because others of my housemate have class. There will be 16 ppl attending this reuion dinner. They invite our neighbour to join along. so, i have to buy so many foods...mainly fishball la...steamboat ma...hehe;) But, u kNoe what i only spent rm90 to buy all the things. whao..is so cheap.

So, when i finish all the stuff is already 12pm. And today i promise to meet a friend. So, i just put away my stuff and meet my friend. We have lunch together and we chat for almost 3 hours. thanks hc for spending time with me and lend ur ears to me and willing to listen to my problems.

SO, after sending hc back home. I continue my work and the stuff....boiling the soup, prepare the things...etc... and is almost 530pm, i faster pack all the things and drive back to college. You know what....when i reach college, none of them at the college. Some of them havent back yet, some of them went out,...so i bring all the things..the pots,foods up to the house ( which is situated at the 4th floor). haiz...is damn damn tired. I need climb 4 times to carry all the things from my car to the house.

and the dinner start at 730pm. In summary, the dinner was ok la. But, i dont know y when i join them talk, they all become silent again. It seem like i should not be there. I not belong to there anymore......but, i dont care. As long as wc, yw and sw, js all can eat and happy...then i already felt happy. I dont want to care too much dy. So, all the time i was carrying the camera to take photo. Bc i have nothing to talk to them. (can felt like different channel...and maybe is the reason of last incident). We finish it around 930pm. So, i pack my things and i just leave.

p/s; today i just cook porridge for wc and yw ate. Bc they cant eat much of the food in steamboat. and they said few times thanks to me. I felt happy when they tell me. ALthough i dint said out, but i really felt happy in heart. Hope both of you faster recover la.....Is suffer when see you all sick.

Boy..cheer up

Today...(29/3/2010) MONDAY...i went back see wc. It is already two days the incident happen and i only able to go and see him now. Before i meet him, i sms him whether he is around. And he told me that he is in his room all the time and wont go anywhere. So, i just tell him that i will go visit him right after my class finish.

So, my class finish around 12noon. But, later i join my coursemate for lunch before visit him.(although that time my heart is felt like want to see him nOw.) After finish lunch, is already 1pm. then, i only go find him.

On the way, i am thinking of how bad is him? How he feel? Is he better?......So, just a minutes, i already reach his room. so,as usual i just like normal go back to my room( as we stay in the same room). When i enter the room, he is watching drama. Then, he saw me. He make a smile at me. He couldn't make a big smile. just a small smile. Then, i saw there is a big wound at the side of his mouth. A 3cm long wound with 10 stitches at his right face- from the angle of the mouth down to the mandible. There was others tiny superficial laceration around the face. My heart was in pain, i just want to hug him...(but i dint). so, i just look at him closer and look at the wound. He also look very pale. (can u imagine how a person look when lost 2L of blood in 1 hours?) That time, i pretend to look at his palm. (actually i want to hole his hand and give the warmness to him). I just hold a while.

then i just sit down and we start to chat. I ask him is he felt pain? He said nO. The, i ask is he ok? is he felt ok? Then he tell me how the accident happen. Then, tell me that he felt very guilty bc his careless and cause his gf and the gals who sit his car injured. He tell me that he make so many people mafan. From the words, i can feel that he is blaming himself. SO, i just console him. Try to ask him to think positively. DOnt think so much...... (p/s: that time i so wish to hug with him so that he can felt better). But i dint.

what can i do is listen.....and share with him what i think. ( although there is many things i can do, but i dont dare to do, bc i knoe that there wont be any result from us....sorry boy...really sorry for doing nothing to u...and my heart felt pain...)
then, i just told him the problem i facing ( i have 'you2 yu4 zhen4'(in chinese)and i tell him how i face and looking for answer. so that can help him much in facing his prob. Then, he console back me also. But, do you know what he tell me?

He said: u need to knoe the problem u face and if can try to solve the problem.

That time i was thinking: omg...my prob is because i love you...and if i tell you, you can help me solve the problem? haiz...and i just smile at him.

so...the conversation last abt 2 hours. Actually i need to meet my other friends at 3pm for badminton. Although i wish to stay back to talk to him......but i kNoe...the longer i stay, the more i suffer. I told myself since last sat, i need to let go. So finally, i decide to left at 3.15pm. And that's all for our meet.

so, as usual i went back my home which is 15 min from the uni. (Just for ur information, i dint stay in hostel in this recent 3 weeks.) and do you know what happen? at night...around 830pm...HIs gf find me. She ask me how is he? she told me that just now he cry in from of her. and she told me that she dont knowwhat to do to help him. ( i was thinking......is he ok? what happen?.....)so, i just ask the gal to console him and stay beside him n take care of him. And teach her how to do. She wish that i can go back the hostel to look after him. ( i was thinking...i just start to let go but you want me to do this?) haiz......i am very confuse...confuse...should i go? i really have no idea......

Eventually, i just ask her to take care him. bc i know that if i go back, i also cant help much. He need her and not me. i just can be a friend beside him (as he think). And as friend, i sure will still concern him. i will try to cheer him up. Because i really made him as my best friend. And somemore there still plenty of friend to cheer him up. so, i wont be worry so much.

Lastly, hope that he recover faster and cheer up boy...!!!

p/s: i like to call him as boy actually....

This is what call TRUE LOVE.....

Today...27/3/2010 is a terrible day for him. He(wc) meet an accident. Two cars happily drive to sepang gold coast. Just 3km from the destination, his car bang with another car. It was a high momentum bang. His engine and the side mirror are crash into pieces. But, u know what, immediately after the car get crash, what concern him 1st was yw(his gf), oni yw. he never bother what had happen to himself, never bother about his wound, in fact that he really bleed a lot. half of his face had been covered by blood, the wound keep bleeding n bleeding. Most important is he still not to forget his monkey n panda patung in his car (which represent him and her)...(p/s: Accually i was not with them. This was described by my friend.)

After this incident, i found that this is what we call TRUE LOVE. I am so touch about what he done to her. And what the gal done to him. Although he cry in the hospital, not because his pain but because of the careless. I have do nothings. i only stand beside and pray hard for him. I wish that god will protect him and wish that he can recover faster. This is what can i do. FRom now on, i have no doubt on them. In the hospital, i just hope that they really can last forever until they married, until they have their own family. Because what...do you know ...She love him more than i love him. He can sacrifice to her and she is not blaming him but before went to hospital i blaming him and her. So, what i can said is i have no right to love him anymore.

wc what i just want tell you is ......take good care of yourselves and yw. drive carefully. I hope not to listen to any bad news from you anymore. It was so scary when i get the call from my friend that you got in accident. My heart was so scare. My hand was shaking. and i was panic.

And this is the last time i said i love you and hug with you.
And you will always be my best friend ever. Hope you will consider i as your best friend too.
Take good care...and God bless.

照片的力量。。。回忆~~~

当你不断的望前走时，请停下看看以前自己所留下来的照片，心能领悟到一种特别的感觉，然后会从心笑出来哦，一却烦恼都会忘掉。

纪念。。memory~~~

新的开始。。。

其实知道自己堕落了很久很久。。。也忘记了朋友口中说的，成绩单上面写的那个以前的我了。。。我想我应该休息够了吧，是时候找回以前那个我或者是找到另一个全新的我了。。。。谢谢那些不放弃我的朋友们，我会加油的。。。。

傻瓜...

笨蛋总是喜欢一些不该喜欢甚至不能喜欢的人。。。。但笨蛋还是愿意当笨蛋，只要能在那些不该喜欢甚至不能喜欢的人的身边看着他，那当个傻瓜也不错吧。。。

黄昏...

Myfm tonight suddenly put this song......and make me think of him (ex bf). Now, my feeling is like what this song....

过完整个夏天
忧伤并没有好一些
开车行驶在公路无际无边
有离开自己的感觉
唱不完一首歌
疲倦还剩下黑眼圈
感 情的世界伤害在所难免
黄昏再美终要黑夜
依然记得从你口中说出再现坚决如铁
昏暗中有种烈日灼身的错觉
黄昏的地平线
划 出一句离别
爱情进入永夜
依然记得从你眼中滑落的泪伤心欲绝
混乱中有种热泪烧伤的错觉
黄昏的地平线
割断幸福喜悦
相 爱已经幻灭

Another boring day....19th march 2010

Time pass very fast....Is friday again. Seem like i always write blog on friday. Maybe friday is more free. Seem like today i am alone again. A boring friday. Sitting at home with my pc again. No other people bother me. No people ask for outing. I Wondering why myself are so free today? ( As what i study, should be very very busy.)

Today, i only have one lecture (8am -10am ). So i decide to go out by myself (thinking of go out and search horny guys). After the lecture, I went to jusco balakong. It was not fare from my uni. Just 15min. then, I went to a book shop. Wondering to find a book to read, but at last i dint found. Later, just walking around and went to jusco. As usual, i walk to the men department and like to go to the underwear dept. Walking around and loOk those beautiful underwear...renoma, bum, diesel, skinx underwear, ....many more. (p/s: is so wish to have all the underwear...dirty minded...hehe...) But, i dint hang around long. Just a few minutes, a walk away.... Later, i went to the jusco cold storage to buy some food for cook. On my way to go, i looking around ( look for horny guy). while i walking there, i meet one guy who walking opposite toward me looking at me. He is tall, slim and his face skin is white. He wear a long white suit and black pants. i think he is working there. He look young and boyish. (i think he just finish his spm...hehehe) i stare at him while walking and he stare at me too. all happen in just few second. And we passed by without any expression.

So, i just shopping around. Buy some sausage, HL milk, bread, vege......at the same time, i look around for any single horny guy la... it was so lucky that i saw three 28+ years old guys. There just come to search for some food. Among the 3, one of them look quite handsome. He has a brown curly hair with a oval shape face. His eye is blue. I find chance to walk close to him so that can watch him closer. I can heard their conversation. It is sound not like malaysian. They speak in mandarin but i cant understand. So, i think they are china man.

On my way back to my car, it was so lucky that i saw a cool guy. He is quite handsome. but, he look cool. i can see that he has a nice body. He wear a green shirt and his body shape can be seen. His has a brownish color skin and it is shinny. ( i was looking at him for few times LOL...) He was with his friend- a couple and 2 girl. i wondering is the girl are his girl friends.But, it seem like he dont bother the gals. haahaa...maybe he is gay too...(cheh, dont dream too much lal !!!)

All the things end when they went down to the escalator. so, i went to my car and back home lonely....;(

p/s: Hope today got some ppl reply my blog and make some friends la.....

Is he gay or straight?

After that incident, i think currently nobody will talk to me. Many ppl is gossiping me. Many ppl is wondering what i am thinking? Even my malay friend as me abt it. So....i just said: NO COMMENT !!!. Like recently, singapore famous artist liang zhi qiang....those porny news.... accually....in that news...i think that he dint wrong. I think is those model wrong. Dont ever promote urself to him, then he will no fuck them LoL....Now realise in news paper pulak....those fucky model....go die la..... Zhi qiang...i support u !!!
So, back to my topic, is he gay or straight. So, who is he? haahaa....he is the person who accompany me after that incident. We always together. Sometime, i wondering is he gay or staight? but i think he like girl la....recently, heard that she is very close with one of the junior. I can feel that he got some feeling on her la....But, sometime he talk and look to me as i am her bf. So, what is he thinking abt? He tell me before...a guy need car when he need to chase a gal. So recently, he mention abt of bringing car come. So, is he going to start with that gal? i donNO...i dont want to Know....but i think i better dont want put so much of my effort on him. I dont want be hurt for the 3rd time....Maybe he can always beside me as my substitution, but steven..dont ever thinking of he as ur bf....Ok? I know u thinking he has a nice butt...good muscular body....heehe...i am so horny and gay...but, u still have to face the reality that he like gals...ok?
is time for my class which postpone from 10am to 11am....which give me chance to update my blog. So wish myself have a great weekend...and can see many handsome, gayish guy when i went to KL tomorow la....hehe...;) Bye...

Feeling when we meet again?

Hei...everyone...i am back. So fast, one week is gone. And is friday again... yahoo...i love it. Bc i can go home liao. so, any interesting happen in pass 1 week. Answer is Yes. So what is it? i think the most things that make me remember is when i saw her in the hotel. She is sitting there and waiting for class.(i think .!!!) That morning,as usual i wake up morning and went to Kl for my class. So, when i reach there. i noted that she is sitting at the stairs with her friend.( as they i my friend also la). As i passed by, i look at them and dint give any response. As when she look at me, she turn her face off and look infront. So, i wonder what is she thinking? has she already forget me? i dont think so....bc heard from my admire bf, she still very consider me. So, i think she dont want look at me. But, what can i do is better we dont meet. so that she wont think abt me. ....i myself sometimes notice the things she post in fb is for me to see, and etime i will ignore it. Hei, steven....u must be strong...u cant hurt her second time. U cant be so selfish. U cant like her. Tell urself, dont ever think of going back. Think back...the nervous and the pressure u suffer previously. So....sometime be alone is better than ever. Lastly, i hope she will recover soon la.... i cant do anything for her liao....

movie Kon zi

today went for a movie call kon zi with my best friends which are my housemate....think back we have long time dint went out for movie liao.....it is great to go out with them. But, it seem like i being isolated. my ex bf is with his gf together. my dream bf is walk with his roomate. so, i just pretend to beside him. although cant sit beside him, but still be right la. i dont want make things worst after that. But, sometime i really cant control to act like he is my bf. seem like i very gay now.....

so talk abt the movie....erm is damn bored....is all like boring stuff and movie. but there are some good meaning on it la....but since my chinese is x that good, so really not very understand that movie. so after that, we went for supper. then, my dream bf is sitting beside me. tonight, he is very quite. DOnt know y he is so quite. Maybe there is so many ppl there la, he is shy to talk. then i curi curi shake my leg to touch his leg. Haahaa...but he dint give any response. Then after that we dismiss. And i went home and he follow them back college. Tomorow night i will be alone. I invite my house those single guy come to my house. But, they dont know will come or not. But, i hope they come la....haahaa....then i can have a single 'gay' party in house. ( dreaming only la) x the real party....

time for me to watch the xxx ....almost a week dint watch and release my strength....is getting hard now... bye..;)

what a suck pass one month....

review back...my last post of blog was on 20th jan , it was the day before my prof exam 2. and so fast i had never open my blog and write. so what happen accually had happen in this past one month? ohh....it is fucky and terrible and nightmare for me. i had done such terrible things.

so start from where? ......ermm....i think start on the day my exam la....

erm...sure want to talk to my exam first....so how was it u think? err....for me, i think i just give my self 55 marks Lo... dint do good. get a DM and TB for long case and short case still ok la. maybe i lucky enough to get good examiner. think back it was so scary and stress. and i hope there was never ever one more time again...

so what happen after that? erm....went to taman negara. but this trip really make me make many mistake. before this trip, i know a gal was fall in love with me. and that time i was dont know what to do. at first, i was want to clarified that i dont like her. But, dont know y ...i just tell her i love her...(but acually i dont) maybe i just want to test on myself that i am x gay and want to back straight.... so at last she agree that want to with me. so we were in a relationship. But, that time i was not happy as what i expect. but, that time i just tell myself..y dont u try it first?

so.....things move on....before she back hometown, we went fr our first meet. that time, i felt a bit weird. and the feeling is cant unxplained. my heart was beeping and i cant find the meaning of love on her....but i tell myself let get a try for one month ....then the next day she went back penang. so we just contact each other just sms and phone. at first it was still ok...bc we just sms and i dint saw her face. that y i still able to cope with it.

so one week....two week...3 week....at last the last week holiday reach. and she is going to coming back to meet me soon. the nervousness, scary, and many things come....i cant concentrate...i cant breath...i scare ....nervous...until i cant sleep well and finally fall in sick....the night before she come back i had a fever until 39.6 celcius. that time i told myself...we really cant together....we have to break off....but i really cant open my mouth to tell...it know it will hurt her very much.... so i just pretend and keep in my heart. i try to ignore her, but finally i have to face her.... the night she annouched that she is in a relationship....i told her that i cant cope with the stress, i am not suit her very much...i told her that i got one problem have to settle....acually i just want to told her that i am gay....i cant love her...i dint fall in love with her....but i cant said it out....bc it will affect my status and i will lost my profession and friends. so ...like that we break off.....that night i drunk.....

so think back....it is already pass 10 days. honestly, after break off with her, i felt so relax and happy. i felt that this happiness is ever from my heart. i dint felt such happiness since june last year. and currently i got one friend who is guy accompany me. He is still single. i told him everything and luckily he know my feeling. and now only he i can trust.

i know many ppl will blame me, scold me, or what me...... but i dont care now. i just care of myself. and i care of him only. accually i wonder is he gay also? but, he always discuss about gal. so i know that he interest in gal la....but maybe one day he will turn gay ....hehe;) but now...i just want him to beside me ...... when i felt boring, lonely, i need ppl ,i sure will find him..... he will be my good friend and maybe bf later....hehe....

so dont bother what ppl said u, as long as u dint do wrong thing and as i happy, dint hurt ppl . then i will satified. it time for me to do my presentation slide. continue tomorow la....many to said yet...