what a suck pass one month....

review back...my last post of blog was on 20th jan , it was the day before my prof exam 2. and so fast i had never open my blog and write. so what happen accually had happen in this past one month? ohh....it is fucky and terrible and nightmare for me. i had done such terrible things.

so start from where? ......ermm....i think start on the day my exam la....

erm...sure want to talk to my exam first....so how was it u think? err....for me, i think i just give my self 55 marks Lo... dint do good. get a DM and TB for long case and short case still ok la. maybe i lucky enough to get good examiner. think back it was so scary and stress. and i hope there was never ever one more time again...

so what happen after that? erm....went to taman negara. but this trip really make me make many mistake. before this trip, i know a gal was fall in love with me. and that time i was dont know what to do. at first, i was want to clarified that i dont like her. But, dont know y ...i just tell her i love her...(but acually i dont) maybe i just want to test on myself that i am x gay and want to back straight.... so at last she agree that want to with me. so we were in a relationship. But, that time i was not happy as what i expect. but, that time i just tell myself..y dont u try it first?

so.....things move on....before she back hometown, we went fr our first meet. that time, i felt a bit weird. and the feeling is cant unxplained. my heart was beeping and i cant find the meaning of love on her....but i tell myself let get a try for one month ....then the next day she went back penang. so we just contact each other just sms and phone. at first it was still ok...bc we just sms and i dint saw her face. that y i still able to cope with it.

so one week....two week...3 week....at last the last week holiday reach. and she is going to coming back to meet me soon. the nervousness, scary, and many things come....i cant concentrate...i cant breath...i scare ....nervous...until i cant sleep well and finally fall in sick....the night before she come back i had a fever until 39.6 celcius. that time i told myself...we really cant together....we have to break off....but i really cant open my mouth to tell...it know it will hurt her very much.... so i just pretend and keep in my heart. i try to ignore her, but finally i have to face her.... the night she annouched that she is in a relationship....i told her that i cant cope with the stress, i am not suit her very much...i told her that i got one problem have to settle....acually i just want to told her that i am gay....i cant love her...i dint fall in love with her....but i cant said it out....bc it will affect my status and i will lost my profession and friends. so ...like that we break off.....that night i drunk.....

so think back....it is already pass 10 days. honestly, after break off with her, i felt so relax and happy. i felt that this happiness is ever from my heart. i dint felt such happiness since june last year. and currently i got one friend who is guy accompany me. He is still single. i told him everything and luckily he know my feeling. and now only he i can trust.

i know many ppl will blame me, scold me, or what me...... but i dont care now. i just care of myself. and i care of him only. accually i wonder is he gay also? but, he always discuss about gal. so i know that he interest in gal la....but maybe one day he will turn gay ....hehe;) but now...i just want him to beside me ...... when i felt boring, lonely, i need ppl ,i sure will find him..... he will be my good friend and maybe bf later....hehe....

so dont bother what ppl said u, as long as u dint do wrong thing and as i happy, dint hurt ppl . then i will satified. it time for me to do my presentation slide. continue tomorow la....many to said yet...